Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them.

Karl Popper, On the Paradox of Tolerance, in The Open Society and Its Enemies, 1945





Content:

Alexandria

Gaza Interviews
Interviews with Osama bin Laden

Interview with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Cairo Dinner Conversation

Last interview with bin Laden

Interviews with Yasser Arafat and Bibi Netanyahu

Hullo Cohen…War is death…people appear to have forgotten that…many appear to believe that this is some sort of  Disney World Planet…where attacks are launched…for example massed rocket attacks…and when a response is made…there is an expectation that no one will be killed…even though everywhere the evidence would appear to be somewhat different…for example…in recent times…around two hundred thousand killed in the conflict in Syria…perhaps a million killed in the conflict between Iran and Iraq…when the nutter Saddy Hussein and his family and cronies ruled Baghdad…lots of unfortunate examples Cohen…but you know all this already…I have drunk one of the bottles of single malt I was keeping for you…I have acquired a taste for the stuff…cannot understand why there is not more talk of the rights of minorities in China…the Uuigars don’t seem to be that contented with Chinese rule…the Tibetans ain’t happy…and certainly hundreds of thousands of Tibetans appeared to have died as a result of Sino rule…and the Chinese appear to also want Taiwan…plus tell the people of Hong Kong who they can vote for…people don’t realize that like many Arab countries…China is run as a family business…a few families are in charge of the country…The Turkish government is quick to scream about the rights of Hamas in Gaza…but shoots its own Kurds with impunity…and the great Turkish army watches while fellow human beings are slaughtered on their border…and prevents help by fellow Kurds wishing to aid their families…things don’t look that crash hot to me Cohen…Ebola…and the lunatic death fringe running amok…people don’t realize that the black death lunatics are breeders…as a matter of strategy…lots of kids deliberately…that deliberately will be brainwashed and turned into more fanatics…these people know well that the West has an exceedingly soft underbelly…decision making is slow and ponderous…tolerance…even of the extremely intolerant is accepted as a norm…but these worshippers of death lunatics are also attracting brainwashed followers around the world…because they are seen as being successful…the best way to deal with an extremely poisonous bug…is to squash it in a timely manner…otherwise it will continue to kill…and if the bug is a breeder…it will spawn an ever greater number of similar bugs…which is all the more reason to squash it quickly…all this goes without saying…but the black flag lunatics…know the weaknesses of liberal democracies…and they have supporters…sympathizers… and followers… throughout the Western world…thanks to migratory patterns over the past quarter of a century…and extremely poor governance in Muslim countries…but many of these migrants take the same brainwashed thinking they were brought up with to their new western homes…the repercussions of this large scale migration of Muslims is now being felt through Western Europe…London and parts of Scandinavia…it is not at all clear how all this will pan out…I may drink the second bottle of single malt Cohen…don’t write back…Castel.

                                                         ...................................
 
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Very Good Cohen…I was not sure if you would write back..troubling times…but better here in Egypt now since Sisi took over…I have two bottles of single malt…both waiting for you…I myself don’t like it that much…I agree with most of what you say Cohen…I also remember Alexandria before Nasser…we are getting old Cohen…though thankfully still well and fit…though I don’t think you have ever been the same after what they did to you…I have heard that electric shock treatment to the testicles is not that healthy…but you are strong Cohen…Gaza was indeed bad…no one seems to like the rulers…they are much the same as the barbarians flying their black death flags to the north…they have captured the plains of Nineveh… and Mosul…which has a similar population to Gaza…I wonder what the plan to retake the town is…I remember Fallujah Cohen…but as you say most people don’t…and only ten years ago…the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians is one of the great moral dilemmas of our time…a dilemma because the Palestinians have always chosen violence…from the barbaric pogrom in Hebron in 1929 to the deliberate…not accidental.. massacres of Hebrews ever since…on roadsides…in kindergartens… on beaches…outside discotheques…in restuarants…the list is long…so Cohen…what I am saying is that this…one of the greatest moral dilemma of our time…is a dilemma because there is no real evidence whatsoever that the Arabs have ever chosen peace…marched in the streets for peace…asked their usually dictatorial leaders for peace…pretty much nothing at all Cohen…so the dilemma is why all the support for their cause…as against the cause of a people who had the country for around 1400 years under a sovereign government…the Palestinians have never had a country…in all of history…until recently they did not even want to be called Palestinians…Palestine is a Roman misnomer anyway…coined as an insult by a culture that specialized in destroying other countries…and now this foolish back death flag is flying around the region…with the same barbarity and death cult mentality that has…God save us all…a long history in the region…I am old Cohen…like you…I have lived this history for many years…I have seen Egypt degenerate into what it is now…I know Iraq and Syria…and Lebanon… and have witnessed their slide into brutal violence…but it is all somebody else’s fault…the Americans…the Israelis…the infidels…this is the moral dilemma Cohen…that this brutality and its history is not recognized…well Cohen…best we do not meet in Egypt…I hope this new guy Sisi manages to turn things around…too many people…too much poverty…no real resources accept a few pyramids…and lots of brain washed individuals involved in severe religious cults…the Black Flag lunatics to the north are going to be somewhat upset…that they were bombed…by a Muslim female air force pilot from the UAE…All the Best Cohen…you don’t have to write back…Castel

                   
                                                         ........................
 

Thanks Castel…your letter finally got to me…don't know why you bother…you know I don't like letters…I am only writing back because of your mention of the bottle of single malt… the radical Islamist want us to return to the 7th century…when their lot came out of the desert…caught the  Byzantine and Persians at a bad time… I am sure you know the history Castel…and by the way…my nuts are just fine…the electrical treatment but a distant memory…I am tough Castel…being locked up in a virtual hole in the ground taught me a lot…people don't realize how malleable young minds are…all those young lads going to fight for the nutters in Syria and Iraq…the late teens and early twenties is an age sometimes referred to 'as the age of causes'…brainwashing is much more widespread that is acknowledged…these youngsters easily become fanatical supporters of a cause… sad that this is not acknowledged…poor wee Israel…the size of a postage stamp…and the Arabs want that too…as if they haven’t got enough land and countries…almost all of which are in a mess...and often run as family businesses…Hamas started the latest Gaza conflict by firing lots of rockets…many weeks before the senseless killing of the three young Israel lads and the young Arab lad…they should have open and transparent elections in Gaza…find out what the man in the street really wants…perhaps a peaceful prosperous life…not to be surrounded by nutters who fire rockets outside your front door …free and open elections…no coercion from religious types…who use fear as a deliberate instrument of policy…perhaps the people of Gaza will ask for leaders who can offer them peace with their neighbours…a comprehensive plan which will afford them prosperity…with help from their often fabulously wealthy Arab brothers…a sea-side country on the lovely Mediterranean…peace and prosperity…where you can have a late afternoon beer at a beach café…if you want to…go for a walk with your wife and kids…no rockets ...not enough attention Castel… is given to the whole scale destruction caused by individual decision making in the 20^th century… Russian…Chinese and German leaders…one man rule…the ancient and sad port of Gaza is overdue for elections…I wonder if the populace of Gaza would have voted to start firing rockets into Israel…can’t see the point…operation ‘death wish’…why would you fire rockets at the strongest military power in the region…they knew what the response would be… people have short memories…just ten years ago… a similar campaign was fought by US  and British forces at the Second Battle of Fallujah …the Brits even had a battalion of the Black Watch there… artillery…rockets…missiles… precision bombs…and much worse…were used as well as bulldozers to clear buildings  and streets…thousands of homes, schools and mosques were destroyed…  the Islamist fighters used mosques to hide their weapons…civilian casualties were high…but no one appears to remember this…the great outcry against civilian casualties should be directed to Hamas…why would they willingly do this to their own people…the so called rules of warfare will change Castel with the development of this conflict between militant Islamists and the West…Western forces in the Second Battle Of Fallujah went in hard because of what had happened to four American contractors who had been barbarically slaughtered in Fallujah…bodies dragged through the streets…unfortunately not uncommon behavior in the Muslim world… the parallels between Gaza and Fallujah are there for anyone to see…the 20^th century in particular has shown what can happen when nutters assume total power…. what has happened to ethical systems…in Gaza a few men with suspect motives started a war that caused massive destruction and loss of life…they have their own bunkers…they build million dollar houses for themselves…..who will give money to rebuilding Gaza…when these disturbed types have said they need more rockets and more tunnels…sometimes it is necessary to suspend belief….I have been drinking too much Armagnac Castel…how is Cairo these days…new government…I remember well Alexandria before Nasser…maybe I will pay you a visit…I am growing tired of Paris...

…………………………

Letter to Cohen from Castel

You didn't put a return address on your letter Cohen…but I still managed to track you down…I too have contacts Cohen…maybe even more than you…most people don't use postal mail these days…I can see what you are saying Cohen…I am not your Mum…but someone still has to tell you what to do every now and then…trouble is you don't listen…and they nearly fried your balls again…like they did in Gaza…but you don't have to convince me Cohen…I have also lived in the Middle East for a very long time…this fellow Kerry and his boss Obama are naive…Obama may have made a good President…20 years from now…he is too young…what does he know of the Middle East…brought up on a surfboard in Hawaii…smoking illicit substances…now Cohen here is a question for you…how many billion dollar palaces are there in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait. Dubai and the Emirates…lots of princes…lots of palaces…who has counted them Cohen…and if it is the case that there are very many of them…each costing many hundreds of millions to construct…furnish…and maintain…why isn't some of this money being put towards helping their Palestinian brothers…who fester in refugee camps…people want a good life…they want be able to have a beer if they want…possibly even an occasional cigarette and listen to some music…but these Islamic nutters in Mali…Somalia…and now in Syria and Iraq…Nigeria…Afghanistan and elsewhere will cut bits of your body off…if you partake in such things…in Mali…they destroyed ancient Malian texts…began flogging women…Cohen…you don't have to convince me ...why don't you try and get an interview  with Rouhani…Cohen…you interviewed ‪Ahmadinejad…bin Laden…and Hanniyeh in Gaza.. even old Yasser Arafat…so why not Rouhani…Cohen…with your contacts…you could do it…still I guess you have had enough of the electric treatment on your nuts…I can't imagine what they did to you after your interview with ‪Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…you weren't well for a long time after…still Cohen…worth a shot…Cohen…to be honest I don't care   about           Muslims…Hebrews…Christians…Hindus… Buddhists…I believe in the human race…perhaps in a thousand years we will be a chocolate coloured…really clever race with enlightened ideas about treating other people …though I confess Cohen…I do find the ancient Zoroastrians interesting…Ahura Mazda…Persian tradition… though God only knows where they got it from…. you know what I mean Cohen….you are clever…when are you returning to the Middle East Cohen…I have purchased a fine bottle of single malt…I am keeping it for you…Castel

Correspondence recently received from Cohen to Castel. Cohen it seems is not yet dead.



 Hullo Castel... I’m still alive and thought to write you a quick note to let you know…I was as they say ‘picked up’ just outside Cairo…you were right Castel…I should have listened to you…not tortured much this time…but they beat me up pretty badly…pretty brutal these guys…no big surprise…prison system in Iran is not crash hot…Syrian military prisons were to be greatly feared…and Saddy Hussein’s prisons were legendary….what is with these people Castel…why the barbarity…suicide bombers…honour killings …beheadings…using kids as suicide bombers…the ‘French’ Muslim nutter who chased a wee Jewish school lass in her play ground…to shoot her in the head…why the barbarity…our Muslim brothers are slaughtering innocents all over the world… killing Christians in Nigeria, Egypt, Iraq…Pakistan...Buddhists in Thailand…they kill each other in Gaza…. in Syria and Lebanon… in recent times they have slaughtered each other in the Iran-Iraq war…and in Kuwait… in Iraq and Kurdistan …they are killing each other in Somalia…in Pakistan…in Afghanistan…in India.. blowing each other up in Indonesia… massacred innocents in London…in Spain…in Bali…in New York……Indonesia…France and Israel…what is their problem…nothing can justify this manner of behavior…you can see I feel quite strong about this…I think I have said all this to you before Castel…guess I don’t talk to many people these days...and then there is that facet of human culture classified as being of ‘historical importance’ for example the Buddhist  statues at Bamiyan that were destroyed….the sufi shrines in Pakistan…the manuscripts and shrines in Timbuktu…the little known destruction of the art in the museum in Kabul under the Taliban…what exactly is wrong with these people…why destroy examples of past rich human cultures just because they didn’t believe what you believe…this  would be defined in clinical psychiatry as a form of madness…why is no one looking at levels of barbarity in the Arab world…fatwas…death because you are an apostate…death because you are a child in the wrong place…but still a child…heads lopped off…killing polio workers trying to eradicate a horrible childrens' disease...I am tired Castel…they let me go in the end…told me that they would ‘pick me up’ again soon and send me back to Gaza…so I got out…I still have contacts Castel…I’m in Paris now…thank God…though Paris also is not what it once was...people forget how quickly things can change…but the coffee is good and I’ve taken to drinking Armagnac…thanks again for looking after me in Alexandria…Castel…I should have listened to you…not many good obituaries of poor old Sharon…lots of stuff written with no context or the writer seems to believe that Sharon lived in Disney Land…and treated some of the inhabitants badly…people should be looking at barbarity of the modern kind acted out by Islamic religious types who believe that any action whatsoever is justified and permissible under their code…Best Wishes Castel and don’t write back… S H Cohen

 

Cohen in Alexandria


Cohen has escaped from Gaza. He is living in a small apartment in Alexandria overlooking the Mediterranean. He managed to get through the Rafah Crossing…disguised as an old woman in a Burka…he is talking to an old friend…Castel…who family have lived in Egypt for hundreds of years… one of the few Jews to still live in Egypt.




Cohen – ‘…this is truly magnificent…good coffee…the
Turkish coffee alone is very good...
to say nothing of the coffee downstairs…’

Castel – ‘…you were seated at that café for hours…’

Cohen – ‘…I like watching the people..’

Castel – ‘…Alexandria has changed…’

Cohen – ‘…everything has changed…’

Castel – ‘you have changed…Cohen…what did they do to you…’

Cohen – ‘…I turn on the television…you understand that I haven’t had that privilege for a long time…I turn on the news…and all the international news is about Muslims…killing each other in Libya…slaughtering each other in Syria…and in the Yemen….blowing each other up in Pakistan and Afghanistan…what is wrong with these people…’

Castel – ‘…I have watched it all…over the years…I am tired Cohen…all my friends are gone…the Greeks are gone…the Greeks of Egypt were legendary…legendary people…all gone…kicked out by Nasser…’

Cohen – ‘…how much money have Western nations paid out over the years propping up Arab regimes…let’s include the military aid budget to Israel…allowing the Israelis to defend themselves from neighbours that have expressed the desire time and time again   to annihilate them…’

Castel – ‘…the rest of the world has never listened…now they see what they do to their own people…imagine what they would do to the Jews if they invaded…’

Cohen – ‘…the Arabs have been doing this for ever…Lebanon in the 70’s and 80’s …Damour…Tel Zatar…the Syrians in Hama…the Egyptian Army in the Yemen in the 60’s…the Iranians and the Iraqi’s….

Castel – ‘…I am very tired Cohen…they say that the United States is talking about ‘basic human decency’ being ignored by not allowing the Red Cross to visit the young Israeli soldier…being held by Hamas in Gaza…whatshisname…

Cohen – ‘…Shalit…born in France…’

Castel – ‘you ever see him over there…’

Cohen – ‘…they would have him wired…anyone goes near with the wrong intent in their eyes…whole show goes up….basic decency…the American are ironic…’

Castel – ‘…ironic Cohen…you are ironic…’

Cohen – ‘…I am here Castel…after all the bastards have done to me…’

Castel -  ‘…tell me what they have done to you Cohen…you want I should get a doctor for you…

Cohen – ‘…can you get me a good single malt…’

Castel gets up and leaves the room…returns a moment later with a small box…and produces two nice glasses from his jacket pocket…he sits down...takes a bottle out of the box and passes it to Cohen…Cohen looks closely at the label and smiles…Castel pours a small quantity into each glass

Cohen – ‘…I am impressed…Castel…’

Castel ‘….what did you mean by ‘ironic’….’

Cohen ‘…basic standards of human decency…Jews invented the ethical standards we now accept as norms…back in the days of the prophets…almost three thousand years ago…the people who have Shalit adhere to the same standards of decency that allows them to use children as suicide bombers…that allows them to instruct other how to live and how to behave…how to dress…and it is a reflection of these standards that the Arab world now finds itself in…after years treating there own people as if they were in a mushroom system…’

Castel – ‘…a mushroom system…

Cohen – ‘…yup…a mushroom system…which is basically a shyte feeding system…in the dark…you get mushrooms…not much else…’

Castel – ‘…yes Cohen….I see your point…you are clever Cohen…a mushroom system…’

Cohen – ‘…where can you buy malts like this around here…I will need more…’


                                                .........................


Castel – ‘…. I have brought you some more whisky…Cohen…you don’t seem to want to get out much…I am surprised…you are sick…Cohen….’

he sits down on a comfortable sofa…Cohen sits nearby on another sofa…a small balcony is in front of them but the glass doors are closed…there is a partial view of the sea

Cohen – ‘…I am happy here …Castel…I am comfortable…television…laptop…you understand…the past few years haven’t been that crash hot…’

Castel – ‘...you are sick Cohen…I can see that…you don’t move much…why don’t you want me to get you a telephone…’

Cohen – ‘…my Mum is dead…you want to replace her Castel….’

Castel – ‘…you see the news…more riots in Cairo…they will turn the whole country into shyte…’

Cohen – ‘…Unquestionably…’

                                   
                                    ……………



Some days later…Cohen and Castel are seated at an outdoor café…Cohen is smoking a cigarette…both speak fluent Arabic as well as French and English.


Castel- ‘…you have taken up smoking again…Cohen…smoking…whisky and coffee…what did they do to you Cohen…they used electricity on you…wires to your testicles…’

Cohen – ‘…Alexandria is not the place I remember…’

Castel – ‘…I told you Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘…people forget the fighting qualities of the Jews…’

Castel – ‘…I’m listening Cohen…you want another coffee..’

Cohen – ‘ The Romans were frightened of the Jews…frightened of their military prowess…and before the Romans the Jews fought probably the first documented guerilla war recorded…against one Greek army after another…and before that they fought the extremely rugged Assyrians…Jews were well known in ancient times as being ferocious soldiers…there are graves here in Egypt of Jewish mercenary soldiers that are easily 3000 years old...older if my memory serves me right…I will accept another coffee Castel…can you get an Irish coffee here…’

Castel (sitting down) – ‘…you can get anything here now…two Irish coffees…’

Cohen – ‘…my favorite breakfast…’

Castel – ‘ I know this history…Cohen…you are not telling me anything new…’

Cohen – ‘…Jews have always hated being repressed…the old prophets Jeremiah…Isaiah… Ezekiel….
they spoke out loudly for the rights of the man in the streets…’

Castel – ‘…I don’t think they had many streets in those days…Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘…they laid down ethical systems 3000 years ago that sanctified individual dignity ….human rights they call it these days…’

Castel –‘…what are you getting at Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘…the Arabs are one of the greatest colonial powers in human history…their expansion in the 7th century has no parallel…over 50 Muslim countries now…largely run as family businesses…little respect for human rights…and one tiny sparrow fart Jewish country….that they want as well…’

Castel – ‘…they have been blowing up innocents in Nigeria…because they were drinking beer…’

Cohen – ‘…yup….sitting in a beer garden…having a couple of pints…after work with your friends…and some nutter blows you up…’

Castel – ‘…they have good Guinness….in Nigeria…very strong…..’

Cohen – ‘….or sitting in a café with your family…you order a tea for your Mum and some orange juice for the kids....a cake for the wife…and another nutter …blows the whole fucking place up…’

Castel – ‘…Cohen…you are getting angry again…coffee make you nervous….’

Cohen – ‘…The Nubba Mountains in Sudan…they are bombing the shyte out of civilian populations…after not succeeding in converting them to good Muslims…’

Castel – ‘…enough Cohen…this is a public place…someone will overhear…and the police will come…they will take you away and fry your balls again…’



                                    ………...........................


                                             






 Gaza Interviews
                                                          

Cohen has been virtually locked up for many weeks now. Haniyeh finally couldn’t take it anymore. Cohen was wearing him down.

Cohen has two small rooms in the basement of a house. He has befriended one of his guards…Ahmed.



Cohen – ‘…this is driving me nuts Ahmed…no newspapers…no internet…no radio…no television…’

Ahmed – ‘… you lucky we not kill you..’

Cohen – ‘…so what’s happening…Ahmed…what’s happening in the world…Israel bombing you again…you firing missiles…’

Ahmed - ‘…yes…we fire missiles…big ones…holy Grad…and Israelees bomb us…but big news Cohen is whole Arab world going crazy…

Cohen – ‘…I don’t understand….

Ahmed…’ have revolution Cohen…people in street rise up…kick out Mubarak…kick out leader in Sudan…now kick out Gaddafi…maybe…’

Cohen – ‘…Jeesus…’

Ahmed – ‘…why you always say that….’

Cohen – ‘ Ahmed I need to see some newspapers…connect me to the internet…speak to Haniyeh…

Ahmed….ok…ok…Cohen…I see what I can do…I like you a leetle beet now Cohen…you not too bad….’

Cohen – ‘…get me a fucking newspaper…’

Ahmed – ‘….ok…Cohen I try do this for you….               

                                    …………….


 Cohen-'...this is  unbelievable…Ahmed…Egypt…Tunisia…Libya…Bahrain…Oman..

Ahmed – ‘you right Cohen…we rise up against dictator…this right word…dictator…

Cohen – ‘…spot on son…dictator…the Arab world seems to attract them…Nasser…Saadam Hussein…Ahmadinejad…Gadhafi…’

Ahmed – ‘news say Gadhafi is delusional…what is delusional…

Cohen – ‘…why don’t you buy a dictionary...Ahmed…you can get these small electronic dictionary…’

Ahmed  - ‘…would be good for me… you think Cohen…’   

Cohen - ‘ …quantum leap old chum…thank you for the newspapers…and the internet connection…you spoke to your leader… Haniyeh…

.Ahmed – ‘ …he like you Cohen…he just angry with you…’

Cohen – ‘…lot of anger in the Arab world…you know Ahmed I am not strictly speaking a religious man…

Ahmed – ‘…I ask Haniyeh if you can come to mosque…for prayer…we turn you into a Muslim …Cohen…you feel better…’

Cohen – ‘…thanks Ahmed…I am happy as I am…think Ahmed…religion is all about love…not hate…love…but the Arab world has a lot of hate…you kill each other…you kill Christians…you kill Jews…in Thailand…you kill Buddhists…in Afghanistan…Hazaras…honour killings…suicide bombers…what do you think is the problem…Ahmed….’

Ahmed – ‘…we good people …..’

Cohen – ‘ Ahmed…order an electronic dictionary…then you can look up delusional…it’s not just Gadhafi...Ahmed….a great many of your leaders are delusional…

Ahmed. – ‘…I order electric dictionary…I get one through tunnel…maybe not need tunnel now…’

                                             …………………

 (some weeks ago)



Cohen – ‘…be nice to see the sun again Ahmed…’

Ahmed – ‘ you know rules Cohen…not allowed upstairs…’

Cohen – ‘…be nice to sit outside a street café in Paris…maybe London…with a decent coffee…’

Ahmed - ‘ why you not try to escape Cohen…we shoot your balls of…’

Cohen – ‘you are funny Ahmed…’

Ahmed – ‘ I not funny man…Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘ get me out of here...Ahmed...and I will buy you lots of felafels…I can get money to you Ahmed…lots…tell you what Ahmed…I will take you to that theme park that you like so much…water slides Ahmed…you told me you loved that...I will buy you and the kids a year's pass...’

Ahmed – ‘…it not there any more…’

Cohen – ‘…what are you talking about Ahmed…’

Ahmed – ‘…they shoot it up…destroy much equipment…they want to close it down…’

Cohen – ‘…who Ahmed…’

Ahmed – ‘ nobody know…is secret…’

Cohen – ‘….Jeeessus…’

Ahmed – ‘ I like theme park…take my wife and seven children there… they love water slides...now no more fun…’

Cohen – ‘….I thought you had eight kids Ahmed…’

Ahmed – ‘…yes…Cohen…you are right…I lose…count…’

Cohen – ‘…tell Haniyeh I need to speak to him…I can help you Ahmed…’

Ahmed – ‘…he not speak to you Cohen…you make him angry…maybe he kill you you Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘…the toilet is smelly Ahmed…I hate smelly toilets…’

Ahmed – ‘…not much water…Cohen…lots of people in Gaza…’

Cohen – ‘…you have stuffed up your aquifer Ahmed…’

Ahmed – ‘…what is stufed up aquifer…’

Cohen – ‘ your water under Gaza…Ahmed…served populations for many thousands of years…now it’s stuffed…ruined…has been for years…saline water from the sea…and probably ground contamination...your average Arab on the street is not big on ecology…’

Ahmed – ‘…sometimes I not understand you Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘…get me out of here Ahmed…I am going mad…’

Ahmed – ‘…maybe I bring you a felafel tomorrow Cohen…’


                                           ...................................
 




(these interviews below begin with the infamous flotilla incident and talks with the Gaza PM))

Cohen – ‘…so where are they…

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘… they arrive soon…’

Cohen – ‘…your English is good…’

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…I study….’

Cohen – ‘…good…when exactly do you think they will arrive…have your people given you a time…are you in contact…’

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…they should have been... here... before…now…’

Cohen – ‘…Hmmm…’

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…The Israelee navy is out there…they are always out there…but now the Turks are with us…we will succeed…’

Cohen – ‘…Yes…I have heard…Erdogan…he…eh...favours you…’

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…He is supporting us…as are Muslims all over the world…the boats will be here soon…’

Cohen – ‘…well…you have a lot of people on the beach to welcome them…did you invite any representatives from Fatah…’

Haniyeh glares at Cohen and says nothing…a man comes up and hands him a mobile phone…he listens for a while and then says something into the phone in a thich guttural Arabic tone…and turns to Cohen… ‘the Israelees have boarded the boats…shots have been fired…some of the boats have been stopped…’

Cohen – ‘ Jeeesssuussss…’

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…what….’

Cohen – ‘…has anybody been injured…’

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…we not know….’ his phone rings again….he listens for a while…his face is angry…‘…many have been killed…’

Cohen – ‘…Jeeessssus…’

                                        ……………………
Days Later

Cohen – ‘…why won’t you allow the aid into Gaza …the Israelis have released all the crew members...'

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…more boats are coming…’

Cohen – ‘…how many….’

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…very many…Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan…he will be captain of one boat…maybe he captain of whole fleet…’

Cohen – ‘…you are saying that the Turkish PM is going to try to break the blockade of Gaza… personally…’

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…I tell you already he be captain of beeg boat…maybe he bring Turkish navy….’

Cohen – ‘…sorry…’

Ismail Haniyeh  - ‘…maybe he bring Turkish air force too…they have very good military …they  bomb shyte out of poor Kurds…’

Cohen – ‘…your English is good Haniyeh...'

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…thank you...Cohen…'

Cohen – ‘…so why aren’t you allowing the aid that the flotilla brought into Gaza…aren’t your people in need of aid…

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…it’s not so simple Cohen…but we let everything in soon…you will see…’

Cohen – ‘…how about we get some falafel sandwiches…’

Ismail Haniyeh – ‘…sure Cohen…is good idea…you are clever Cohen..’

                              …………………………….


Cohen – ‘…you still haven’t allowed the aid that the flotilla brought… into Gaza…’

Haniyeh ‘ …no…..’

Cohen – ‘Why not…’

Haniyeh – ‘ the Iranians are coming…my friends Erdogan and Amadinejad…they organize it…send in Iranian guards…the Revolutionary Guards Naval Wing…they will fix the Israelees…’

Cohen – ‘…what’s the point…I thought your people needed aid…’

Haniyeh – ‘ …we soon get everything…’

Cohen – ‘ I went down to the Rafah crossing yesterday…the Egyptians are letting a few hundred Gazans …leave…every day…do you think they will want to come back…’

Haniyeh – ‘… Egyptian government…Mubarak…he not like us…’

Cohen – ‘….I wonder why…’

Haniyeh – ‘…he say we are extremists…’

Cohen – ‘…you are sport…no question of it…at the Rafah crossing…your policemen are all dressed in black and they carry clubs…why…’

Haniyeh – ‘…in case Israelees attack…’

Cohen – ‘ ….Jeeesssuss…’

                                                  ……………………

Haniyeh – ‘…they even don’t allow us coriander…’ (Cohen and Haniyeh are strolling through a busy market place somewhere in the Gaza Strip. They are followed by several bearded men carrying weapons)

Cohen - …’Israel has strange bureaucracies…ever read Franz Kafka…’

Haniyeh – ‘…sorry…’

Cohen – ‘ never mind…why is coriander so important…’

Haniyeh – ‘…for Dukkah…you need it for Dukkah…I love it…’

Cohen – ‘…what is Dukkah …

Haniyeh – ‘…Dukkah with olive oil and pitta bread…’

Cohen – ‘…sounds good…maybe there’s some coriander in the aid from the famous flotilla and its peace activists…Jeeesssus…the footage I have seen from the Turkish boat…didn’t look  like the behavior of peace activists…but…maybe there’s some coriander in the aid the Turks sent over…do they like Dukkah…’

Haniyeh – ‘…love it...’

Cohen – ‘…there you go…let in the aid…’

Haniyeh – ‘ …enough about aid…Cohen…you understand…’

Some days later

Haniyeh – ‘…the Iranians will be here soon…’

Cohen – ‘ …yup…’

Haniyeh – ‘…they bring their parliament here…here to Gaza…’

Cohen – ‘…yup…’

Haniyeh – ‘…what is yup…’

Cohen – ‘…yup is yup…Ismail..’

Haniyeh – ‘ Cohen…sometimes you are hard to understand…’

Cohen – (gazing at the sea from a Gaza beach) ‘…yup…’

A day later at a café on the beach in Gaza

Cohen – ‘…this falafel is good…Ismail…’

Haniyeh – ‘…we get coriander…fresh…can make big difference to…falafel..’

Cohen – ‘you get coriander from the Israelis…’

Haniyeh – ‘no…come through tunnel…from Sinai…bedouin grow good coriander…’

Cohen – ‘…the South Koreans are getting a bit toey…’

Haniyeh – ‘…what is toey…’

Cohen – ‘…nippy…a bit jumpy…Ismail…the North Koreans are nutters…when their leader… Kim Jong-il  visits his soldiers on the border with South Korea…a mist descends…and protects him from being seen by enemy soldiers…’

Haniyeh – ‘…and his people…they believe this…’

Cohen – ‘…you are sharp Ismail…’

Haniyeh – ‘…what is sharp…you mean …I am like bedouin knife…’

Cohen – ‘ I am talking about donkey systems Ismail…donkeys systems…’

Haniyeh – ‘…we have plenty of donkeys in Gaza…they very good animal…’

Cohen – ‘…when are the next elections going to be held in Gaza…’

Haniyeh – ‘…sorry…’

Cohen – ‘…elections…you know what I mean…Ismail…’

Haniyeh – ‘…people in Gaza…not ready for elections…first need embargo to be stopped…’

Cohen – ‘…you can make  dukkah now…’

Haniyeh – ‘ not enough coriander…need coriander seed Cohen…not fresh leaf…Israelis think we use coriander seed in our rockets…not allow into Gaza…’

Cohen – ‘…just stop firing rockets…then the Israelis will send in coriander…and pretty much everything else…and you can make lots of dukkah…everyone will be happy Ismail…’

                                            ............................

Haniyeh – ‘…Israelees maybe…will lessen the blockade…’

Cohen – ‘…perhaps you will get coriander…’

Haniyeh – ‘…enough Cohen…with the coriander…’

Cohen – ‘ when Israel pulled out of Gaza…there was talk of creating a new Singapore...countries were queuing up to donate aid…billions of dollars were pledged…then we had the violent take over of Gaza by your people…and then rockets fired at Israeli civilian centres…that’s when the blockade began…in English… that is called shooting your self in the foot…’

Haniyeh – ‘…you are good teacher…Cohen…shooting in foot…is good…very good…we shoot lots of Fatah in the foot when we take over…also throw them off buildings…but land on head…not foot…’

Cohen – ‘…difficult Ismail…very difficult for the Israelis to trust you if you murder your own people….and fire rockets at Jewish villages…’

Haniyeh – ‘…we not want trust…we want Palestine…all Palestine…’

Cohen – ‘ how many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb…’

Haniyeh – ‘…I not understand…’

Cohen – ‘ none…they just sit around and blame the Israelis…’

Haniyeh – ‘…I not understand…’

Cohen – ‘…you have the Hamas moral police force patrolling the streets…I’ve seen them…women hairdressers closed down…internet cafes destroyed…Christian families attacked…’

Haniyeh – ‘…we good Muslims…do will of Allah…’

Cohen – ‘…Jeeessssuuus…’

Haniyeh – ‘ why you always say this…’

Cohen – ‘ I want out of here Ismail…I want to go to London…maybe Paris…have some good coffee and chocolate cake…’

Haniyeh – ‘…Israelees….not allow us chocolate cake….’

Cohen – ‘…Jeeessuuus…’


                                                ………………………

‘Haniyeh – (looking out to sea…)‘...they arrive soon…’

Cohen – ‘…who…’

Haniyeh – ‘ everybody…’

Cohen – ‘…what…’

Haniyeh – ‘everybody want to come to Gaza now…break blockade…’

Cohen – ‘…what happens if there is no more blockade…will you have free and open elections…stop attacks against Israel…’

Haniyeh – ‘ I have found chocolate…one of my wives will make cake…’

Cohen – ‘…terrific…’

Haniyeh – ‘…you know…Cohen…that I have degree in Islamic literature…’

Cohen – ‘…yes…Ismail…I know…’

Haniyeh – ‘…I was Dean of Islamic University in Gaza…’

Cohen – ‘ …Dean…

Haniyeh – ‘ …yup…’

Cohen – ‘…your English is improving all the time…Ismail…’

Haniyeh – ‘…you are good teacher…Cohen…you know I oppose attacks on Christians…’

Cohen – ‘…so I have been told… the Israelis are paranoid…’

Haniyeh – ‘ what is…paranoid…’

Cohen – ‘ …their history… sport…recent and ancient…extraordinarily rich in culture…but people have tried on many occasions to do them in…’

Haniyeh…-‘… why you call me sport…you watch World Cup…Cohen…you know who will win…’

Cohen – ‘…just make peace…Ismail…talk to the Israelis…no preconditions…just talk…’

Haniyeh– ‘…maybe you right…Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘…there comes a point…if you are a true leader…when you have to choose between peace and prosperity for your people…or very bloody warfare…’

Haniyeh – ‘…we have many martyrs…’

Cohen – ‘…don’t make sense…Ismail…do you believe that they all end up in paradise…with lots of virgins… and an unlimited supply of coca cola…don’t make sense…’

Haniyeh – ‘ I was Dean of Islamic University…’

Cohen – ‘yes…you told me…so what…’

Haniyeh – ‘…our martyrs…they go to paradise…’

Cohen – ‘…a donkey system…Ismail…I asked bin Laden about this…he couldn’t give me a straight answer either…what happens to your lass martyr…does she end up in paradise with lots of male virgins…and an unlimited supply of Avon products…’

Haniyeh – ‘ what is Avon…’

Cohen – ‘…forget it…’
                                                …………………………
(beach at Gaza)

Cohen – ‘…..so where are they…’

Haniyeh – ‘ …who…

Cohen – ‘…you told me that everyone was coming…Erdogan would be captain of the fleet..’

Haniyeh – ‘…maybe Virgin Mary come…’

Cohen – ‘…sorry…’

Haniyeh - ‘…Virgin…how you say…Virgin Mary…mum of Jesus…she come…’

Cohen -  ‘…what…’

Haniyeh – ‘ Cohen…you very slow today…maybe you need to eat more falafel..’

Cohen – ‘…Ismail…old son…you are telling me that Jesus’ mum will be arriving soon in Gaza…’

Ismail – ‘….is boat…sail from Lebanon…is name of boat…Mariam…named from Virgin Mary…mother of Jesus…full of women…they want to be martyrs…’

Cohen – ‘…CHRIST…..’

Haniyeh ‘…no…is his mother…’

Cohen – ‘…another boat…named after the mum of Jesus…’

Haniyeh – ‘…yup…’

Cohen – ‘…things change quickly in the Middle East…’

Haniyeh –‘…yup…’

Cohen – (looking out to sea) …what are we going to be doing today…’

Haniyeh – ‘….today big day…we eat lots of dukkha…and chocolate cake…Israelees…stop blockade against our people…’

Cohen – ‘….brilliant news…Ismail…now you can stop the rocket attacks…renounce violence as a methodology…’

Haniyeh…’…what… is this… methodology….’

Cohen – ‘ …try a different way forward…no more violence…try diplomacy…negotiate…’

Haniyeh – ‘…this good word…methodology…I will use it…I listen to BBC News now on radio…you tell me will help my English…my English getting good now…

Cohen –‘…no more rocket attacks…Ismail…’

Haniyeh – ‘… is difficult…’

Cohen – ‘… why…’

Haniyeh – ‘…we need everything…’

Cohen – ‘…everything…’

Haniyeh – ‘ all Palestine…’

Cohen – ‘…unreasonable Ismail…negotiate…no violence…’

Haniyeh – ‘…my men…they…how you say…they like…a bit of violence…’

Cohen – ‘… a lot of men like violence…it’s a problem…’

Haniyeh – ‘…but aboard Virgin Mary Miriam…only women…no men…’

Cohen – ‘…do you think they will be women who get hysterical easily…’

Haniyeh – ‘…this good question…Cohen…’


                                          ...............................



Haniyeh – ‘…I don’t see you for some days…Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘…I’ve been watching the football…World Cup…’

Haniyeh – ‘ I watch too…what you think Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘…It’s a farce…the head of FIFA apologizing…to the people of  England and Mexico…over a billion people saw athletes…countries and spectators cheated…’

Haniyeh – ‘… Sepp Blatter…he is like the Pope…’

Cohen – ‘…good…Ismail…your English is becoming very good…’

Haniyeh – ‘…I follow your advice…Cohen…’

Cohen – ‘…so Ismail…no more boats…no ‘Mother of Jesus’…no virgins…no Erdogan as captain of the fleet…what happened Ismail…’

Haniyeh – ‘…boats still come…new Libyan boat coming…will be here soon…’

Cohen – ‘…but the Israelis have dramatically increased…the flow of goods into Gaza…’

Haniyeh – ‘…what is goods…you mean good things to eat…coriander…’

Cohen – ‘…what’s the point of sending more ships…’

Haniyeh – ‘…you see games with Australia…’

Cohen – ‘…yup…against Germany…their best man is sent off for little…10 men for most of the game…and against Ghana…their remaining best player is sent off…for doing nothing at all…’

Haniyeh – ‘…if this happen here…in Gaza…we take away referee…shoot him..’

Cohen – ‘…I hear that you have been doing a bit of this lately…collaborators…shooting them….’

Haniyeh – ‘…they lucky…if in Iran…maybe throw rocks at them…kill slowly…very painful…’

Cohen – ‘…yup…’

Haniyeh – ‘…you not like Iranians…Cohen…’

Cohen –‘…Amadinejad….is a nutter…he has rocks in his head…’

Haniyeh – ‘ you are funny…Cohen…rocks in head…I like this…Netanyahu…he has rocks in his head…’

Cohen – ‘…no…I don’t believe so…the Israelis are sick of war and violence…they genuinely want peace…’

Haniyeh – ‘…I think he has rock…in head…’

Cohen – ‘…I would like to get out of here…Ismail…old chum…’

Haniyeh – ‘…you useful here…Cohen…we treat you well…can change though…’

Cohen – ‘…yup…’

Haniyeh – ‘…I still not understand…this yup…you use…a lot…

Cohen -  ‘…a Libyan boat….’

Haniyeh – ‘…yup…’


                                 …………………………………….




Interviews with Osama bin Laden

The following is somewhat of a journalistic scoop. It has not been published in mainstream newspapers or covered by other media organizations because of the sensitivity of the subject matter in some circles. We believe however that more people should know about these interviews which were conducted over a prolonged period. At times they were quite short in duration. Sometimes they lasted for much longer periods. They came about as a result of months of negotiations and the impeccable credentials of the various contacts who arranged the series of meetings which took place.

It cannot be revealed for obvious reasons where these interviews took place however the authenticity of the material which follows has been independently verified by different high level sources. The two parties had met previously when the journalist was with the Northern Alliance under Ahmad Shah Massoud.

Ahmad Shah Massoud was fighting the Russians in Afghanistan and Osama bin Laden met Cohen at this time and liked him. Ahmad Shah Massoud was opposed to the Taliban and other forms of extremism. (Google Massoud's Letter To The People Of America)
These recorded discussions constitute the first interviews given by Osama bin Laden to a Western journalist in recent times:




The Bin Laden Interviews - Part One


Cohen (journalist) – Thank you for granting me this interview

Osama bin Laden - It is nothing...

Cohen – Why have you been in hiding for so long

Osama bin Laden – Stupid question (exclaims something in Arabic)…everybody knows that the Americans want to kill me…

Cohen – People all over the world have been speculating where you have been hiding…some say that you had everyone fooled…and that after you escaped from Afghanistan…you made your way to South America…there was a verified sighting of you two years ago...

Osama bin Laden – I was in Brazil.....

Cohen – Yes…the sighting was in Rio actually…you were on a beach…

Osama bin Laden - I was in disguise…Allah be Great…

Cohen – You were lying on the beach between two beautiful topless ladies…

Osama bin Laden – Those were my wives…

Cohen – I see…but..ah…naked women in public…aren’t you supposed to be…ah…. opposed to exposing the female body in…eh…public…

Osama bin Laden – Allah was looking after me…

Cohen – Jeeessus...no sorry…I...eh...I shouldn’t have said that…

Osama bin Laden – It is alright…(mutters something in Arabic)…Jesus was one of us...

Cohen – Can I ask you about the fighting in Gaza…

Osama bin Laden – Yes...

Cohen – Well…what do you think about what is happening there…

Osama bin Laden – The Israelis must stop occupying Muslim land…

Cohen - The Israelis were not occupying Gaza…they left the Gaza Strip about 3 years back…

Osama bin Laden – What…what are you talking about…it’s all our land…the Israelis stole it…

Cohen – can you say something about the killing and persecution of Christians by Muslim extremists in Iraq…

Osama bin Laden – We are not extremists…

Cohen – Killing innocent civilians deliberately…is extreme…what about what happened in Mumbai…all those people slaughtered by Muslim gunmen…

Osama bin Laden – The innocent go to Paradise…

Cohen – You seem very certain of this…

Osama bin Laden – (says something in Arabic)…I know…(gestures towards his heart and points upwards again)…I know…

Cohen - …and the suicide bombers…

Osama bin Laden - …our martyrs…

Cohen – They go to paradise…and have…lots of virgins…and…an unlimited supply of coca cola…that is…eh…what I have heard…

Osama bin Laden – That is correct…

Cohen – What about the female suicide bombers…do they get…lots of husbands…

Osama bin Laden – They are well looked after…

Cohen - …and you are sure of this…

Osama bin Laden – It is written…

Cohen - …where exactly…

Osama bin Laden – Allah works in mysterious ways…Blessed Be His Name..

Cohen – It sounds a bit bloody mysterious to me…

Osama bin Laden - …what…

Cohen – Let’s go back to Gaza…Hamas won…right…

Osama bin Laden – Our brothers in Gaza…the blessed Hamas… have won a resounding victory…

Cohen – Do you think the people of Gaza think that…

Osama bin Laden – Every one knows in his heart that the Crusaders are being defeated everywhere…

Cohen – Crusaders…I don’t understand…

Osama bin Laden – Usurpers of our lands…

Cohen – Know much about history sport…

Osama bin Laden – I do not understand…

Cohen – The early Arab invasions in the 7th century…your mob usurped about half the planet and turned people into wee Muslims…

Osama bin Laden – You spent some time in Scotland…no…

Cohen – I know the place…

Osama bin Laden – I like a good…how you say…seengle malt..now and again..

Cohen – I thought alcohol was banned…

Osama bin Laden – Allah allows me some small pleasures…

Cohen - Jeeeesuss….

Osama bin Laden – (mutters something in Arabic) Why do you talk of Jesus so much…

Cohen – Let’s move on…do you still believe in Global Jihad...

Osama bin Laden – We believe that the world would be a better place if everyone followed the will of Allah....Blessed Be His Name...

Cohen – You mean according to the Koran…

Osama bin Laden – Yes…that is correct…

Cohen – Some people believe that many of the teachings in the Koran are out of keeping with life in the 21st century…for example…the treatment of women in some Islamist cultures is somewhat backward...

Osama bin Laden – This is not correct…we respect and treat out women well…

Cohen – Why do they have to be covered up in burkahs and why are they not allowed rights…many women in Islamic cultures are not allowed to drive…go out alone…many are denied any education….what about the hundreds of schools blown up recently on the Afghan/Pakistan border...

Osama bin Laden – The Will of Allah works in mysterious ways…

Cohen – But how can we really know the will of Allah…(here bin Laden placed one hand over his heart and pointed upwards and murmured something in Arabic)

Cohen – You mean…I don’t follow…you mean you are in direct contact with Allah…

Osama bin Laden – I will not discuss my relationship with the Blessed One…

Cohen – He talks to you….

Osama bin Laden – (murmurs something in Arabic)

Cohen – You talk to him…he tells you things…

Osama bin Laden – The Blessed One is Gracious to me in revealing his plan…

Cohen – Good Grief…this is incredible…God talks to you…

Osama bin Laden – I can say no more…

Cohen – What about suicide bombers…does he agree with that..

Osama bin Laden – Out martyrs will live for ever…

Cohen – So you are saying that Allah wishes people to blow innocents up…mothers, fathers and their children…using bombs full of nails…so that even those not killed are horribly maimed…

Osama bin Laden – It is not easy to fathom the Will of the Great One…

Cohen – Jeesssus…………………

Here the interview ended abruptly.

It is not a simple matter to produce this material. Some of the recent events described may also be dated by a few weeks as it can take time for these interviews to reach the Western media. Cohen and bin Laden are extremely pleased with the reception they have had so far and are thankful for the response that has come in from all over the world. If Ahmad Shah Massoud were still alive perhaps he would be thankful as well.

Cohen – Good to be able to talk to you again

Osama bin Laden - (passing Cohen a cup of green tea)…Good to see you as well Cohen…Jews and Muslims have shared many countries and cultures…

Cohen - …for a few hundred years in Spain we had one of the richest cultures in human civilization…

Osamsa bin Laden – Umayyad caliphate…half way through the eight century…

Cohen – Yes…Jews translated many of the texts from Greek to Arabic then to European languages that seemed to help spark off the Renaissance…

Osama bin Laden – Yes…that is correct…

Cohen – Didn’t last long though did…fundamental Muslims from the south swept in …Almohads and then worse…the Almoravids…soon put an end to a brilliant culture…Andalusia…we humans seem to have a habit of extinguishing wonderful cultures in the name of some cause or other…

Osama bin Laden – Yes…human history is littered with dead cultures…that were once splendid…

Cohen – Why is that…

Osama bin Laden – You ask difficult questions Cohen…

Cohen – You mentioned the Umayyad…the founder of the Umayyad caliphate – Abdul Rahman – was the only survivor of the family…the new caliphate ..the Abbasids massacred all members of the rest of the family…Muslims…my friend …have an extremely violent history…

Osama bin Laden - Christian history is not a history of peace and love…when the Crusaders took Jerusalem…they killed everyone…men, women and children…Muslims and Jews…on the third crusade when the English crusader Richard the Lionhearted….is that what you call him…

Cohen – Yup…

Osama bin Laden …he killed all Muslim prisoners...about a year earlier our Salah el din took Jerusalem back…the Christian defenders were treated well…most allowed to leave freely…

Cohen – You’re not bad at history yourself…

Osama bin Laden – That’s why I picked you Cohen…for these interviews…most people know nothing about the past…did you bring any wheesky…

Cohen – (reaches for a bag and pulls out a bottle of excellent single malt) ..I thought Muslims were not allowed to drink…

Osama bin Laden - ( says something in Arabic and shortly a man appears with two glasses)…there are Muslims and Muslims…just as there are Jews and Jews…

Cohen – Quite a few strange bloody Christians around too…

Osama bin Laden – I propose a toast…to Religion…

Cohen – No…I won’t drink to that…how about a toast to the health of the planet…

Osama bin Laden – You are clever Cohen…let’s drink to that..a quick toast is a good toast (both men down their glasses)

Cohen – Are you concerned at all about the ecology of the planet…a lot of Arab nations don’t have crash hot records when it comes to the environment…

Osama bin Laden – I am not stupid Cohen (mutters in Arabic…sounds like deep guttural swearing)…I know there are problems…but Allah’s will must first prevail…we have strayed too far from his path…and now we are paying…and we will pay more…The Great One is All Knowing…

Cohen – You proposed a toast to religion before…what about other religions…what about the Buddhists…how do you see them…

Osama bin Laden – They are not Muslims…they are non-believers…but in time the Blessed One will shine his light on them…

Cohen – Buddhism is a recognized and well respected religion with millions of followers…what about the Hindu religion..

Osama bin Laden – They are together with the Crusaders…

Cohen – Your thinking makes no sense…

Osama bin Laden - What are you talking about…you think you know everything Cohen (more of what sounds like deep guttural swearing)…

Cohen – Whisky makes you angry bin Laden…I will not bring any more to you…

Osama bin Laden – (pouring himself another glass) I can get my own wheesky…I propose a toast… to the END OF THE CRUSADERS…

Cohen – I’m not drinking with you any more…

Osama bin Laden – (raising his glass) TO THE END OF THE BLOODY CRUSADERS..ALLAH BE PRAISED (downs his glass in one shot)

Cohen - JEEESSSUS

Part Three

Cohen – What do you think of the concept of ‘brain washing’...

Osama bin Laden – What….

Cohen – ‘Brain washing’…commonly used in advertising or propaganda..

Osama bin Laden – What does it do to you…

Cohen – It messes with your brain old son…do you think that people on this planet are naïve…

Osama bin Laden – I am not at all following you…did you bring any more wheesky…

Cohen – I am going to ignore that question…anyway it doesn’t appear to do you any good…you just get angry…

Osama bin Laden – I love wheesky…why are you asking me about…how do you say…’brain washing’…

Cohen – Suicide bombers…they really believe that they are going to heaven…where they will find an unlimited supply of coca cola and lots of virgins…that’s called brain washing…

Osama bin Laden – I have already spoken to you about our beloved martyrs…

Cohen – whole countries can be brain washed…look at Iran and Afghanistan…thirty years ago…women in these countries didn’t have to wear the burka…hijab…whatever it’s called…it all comes with the ‘moral police force’…the Saudis have got them as well…cover up or you will go straight to hell…that’s brainwashing…

Osama bin Laden – If you insult Islam…I will end these interviews Cohen…

Cohen – I am not insulting Islam…I’m talking about brain washing…a common phenomena throughout the 20th century…youngsters around the age of 17 to 21 are ripe subjects for brainwashing…for a cause…very susceptible age…and you guys use them as suicide bombers…that’s brain washing…the poor bastards have been sucked in by a cult…blow your self up…kill lots of women and children…it will further our holy cause…and you will be a martyr and go to heaven and have lots of virgins.. and plenty of coke too… …that’s brainwashing…some of the worst in recorded human history…for fucks sake…

Osama bin Laden – You said you wouldn’t swear…

Cohen - Sorry…whole countries brainwashed…all women must cover up…Jeessus…sometimes they even have wee cages covering their eyes…and then those morons…the moral police…JEEESSSUS…you have some hair showing…cover your head sister…or we will take you away…whatever happened to human dignity and choice...

Osama bin Laden – We treat our women well…it is for their own good…we are a moral society…the caliphate we shall establish will have great moral force…and all people will be one with the Great One…

Cohen – I can’t believe you believe all this stuff…you’ve been brain washed too…bin Laden…

Osama bin Laden – (begins to swear in Arabic) I am not a brain washed…I am going to terminate this interview…I will not agree to any more interviews…

Cohen – I don’t actually give a rat’s arse sport…

Osama bin Laden – What….

Cohen – Forget about it….

Part Four

Cohen – Thanks for seeing me again…

Osama bin Laden - It is nothing…

Cohen – I have brought you something…

Osama bin Laden – WHEESKY…

Cohen – No…a packet of green tea…its really good quality…

Osama bin Laden – Thank you…but I prefer….

Cohen - I know what you prefer…tell me…how many bottles of whisky had you drunk when you made the decision to attack the Twin Towers…

Osama bin Laden – I don’t want to say…

Cohen - A condition of these interviews was that we would be totally honest with each other…unless your security is threatened…

Osama bin Laden – ……we had been drinking for three days…

Cohen – ….how many bottles…

Osama bin Laden - …I lost count…bourbon it was…very good wheesky…many…many bottles…

Cohen – Jeeesssus…

Osama bin Laden - I prefer seengle malt Scottish wheesky…if we had been drinking that we might have attacked London…maybe the Scottish capital…what’s the Scottish capital…

Cohen – Jeessus…why do you do such things…

Osama bin Laden – Market research…

Cohen – Sorry….

Osama bin Laden – Market research…we do market research…we have been doing it for years…you in the West think we are stupid…we have learnt to use your own weapons against you…

Cohen – Market research………..

Osama bin Laden – Our research indicates that people want more excitement in their lives….and…

Cohen - …and…

Osama bin Laden - …they want to become Muslims…

Cohen – Who does your market research…

Osama bin Laden – This I cannot tell you…

Cohen – Jeeesssus…

Osama bin Laden – It’s a very great company…the best money can buy…their research is highly excellent….

Cohen - Jeeesssus…

Osama bin Laden – We are much cleverer than you think Cohen….

Cohen – You are a genius bin Laden…what is your market research telling you now…

Osama bin Laden – (in a whisper) it’s the Israelees…they want to bomb Iran…

Cohen – ...how much do you pay for this research….

Osama bin Laden – ...they don’t like Ahmadinejad….

Cohen – You need a new researcher bin Laden…

Osama bin Laden – Ha…we are too clever for you…

Cohen – Pity I didn’t bring any whisky…

Osama bin Laden – I have some Cohen…(claps his hands twice and a man arrives with a bottle and two glasses…

Cohen – Jeeeessssus…

Osama bin Laden – I propose a toast to Market Research…

Cohen – I’ve got an interview with Ahmadinejad….next week I hope…

Osama bin Laden – …our research indicates he’s a nutter…is that how you say it in Engleesh…nutter…

Cohen – I wonder if he drinks whisky…………



                                                ..........................




 Interview with
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


(interview took place about 5 years ago)




Cohen – Thank you for talking with me…

Ahmadinejad – My Englees is not good…I am studying…I have best teacher in Teheran…

Cohen – English is a useful language nowadays…

Ahmadinejad – (asks something in his own language to several Iranian men either sitting or standing nearby…he gets a translation …this happens quite a lot during the interview…but has been edited out)… Yes…I want to address UN meetings in good Englees..

Cohen – Your addresses to UN gatherings have been somewhat controversial…

Ahmadinejad – I bring peece to the world…

Cohen – Sorry……

Ahmadinejad – I am peece man…peecefull…I bring message of peece…

Cohen – What about your plan to build a nuclear bomb…

Ahmadinejad – What ees bomb…ah yes I understand…nuclear bomb…beeg bomb…

Cohen – Why does Iran need nuclear weapons…

Ahmadinejad - We not need…the will of Allah is enough…

Cohen – So you are not building nuclear weapons…many of your neighbours are concerned…

Ahmadinejad – not worry…not need worry…my Englees is good eh…we build only few beeg bombs…how you say nucleer bombs…beeg ones..

Cohen – I can only ask again why you need nuclear weapons…


Ahmadinejad – You want cup green tea…Persian chai very good for you…(orders up some green tea) answer you question..the.. 12th Madhi…he come back…all will saved…you be saved too…nuclear beeg bomb not important.. truly…

Cohen – Sorry…

Ahmadinejad – …also I build special road….how say…(some men at the back of the room translate)…Avenue…I make beeg new Avenue in Teheran…capital place…he come back soon…

Cohen – Who………

Ahmadinejad – I tell you already…Number 12 Madhi…he save world… bring paradise…

Cohen – Jeeeessssus…….

Ahmadinejad….not Jesus….maybe good friend of Jesus…

Cohen – Jeeeeessssuss….

Ahmadinejad – You like Jesus….
(interview stops here for some minutes while Cohen ask for a glass of water…there is some fussing at the back of the room and finally a glass of water arrives on a small plate. Cohen takes the glass…takes a good drink …and also takes from the pocket of his jacket a small metal flask and proceeds to empty a measured quantity of the flask substance into his water…some men from the back come running towards him…but Amadinejad smiles and waves them away. This is Cohen’s first mistake)

Cohen – What do you think of choice…

Ahmadinejad – I not understand…choicee…ah…understand…choicee…you say choicee…I know now..

Cohen – Do the people of Teheran…of Iran…have choice… to dress the way they wish…to choose political candidates for elections…do students have the choice to demonstrate…do women have choice…can people listen to whatever music they want…can young couples hold hands in the streets…or do the mullahs make choices for everyone…what about the persecution of your largest religious minority…the Bahai…

Ahmadinejad – I not follow….

Cohen - …one or two people making decisions for a whole country…

Ahmadinejad – I not follow you…

Cohen - …China…what about China…good old Mao…how many did his policies kill…20 million…30 million…how many did Stalin’s policies kill…30 million…what about our German dictator…how many deaths was this one man responsible for…how much human suffering…

Ahmadinejad – …you talk now of Holocaust…six million Jews not die….

Cohen -… what happened to them sport…

Ahmadinejad - …they all go to Israel…make Zionist state…

Cohen - …you’re a nutter sport… (there are loud voices in the background but Ahmadinejad raises his hand for silence…he has a broad smile)…you didn’t answer my question about choice…do Iranians have the choice to pick their own leaders…or do the mullahs pick the candidates for elections…

Ahmadinejad – I not understand…yes now see…choice in Allah…this true choice… (Amadinejad is smiling)

Ahmadinejad – I will win peez prize…

Cohen – I am not with you…I do not understand…

Ahmadinejad - … peez prize…my…how you say…advising men…they tell me…they say I can ween Nobel Peez Prize

Cohen – Jeeesssus…what about your human rights record…

Ahmadinejad - …what is hooman rights record...is there prize for this too…I like break records…like very much…I humble country man…how you say…peasant…

Cohen – Let’s move on…do you think the Israelis or the Americans will bomb your nuclear reactors…

Ahmadinejad – They not can do…our rockets will shoot them down…Islamic revolution…will win…again...

Cohen – …revolutions have the tendency to go a bit loopy after a while…sometimes straight away actually…I’m thinking of the French and Russian Revolutions...and in recent times… the revolution in Cambodia.... they all went very strange…didn’t do your man in the street much good at all…lots of people…mainly innocent people died…lots and lots of them…

Ahmadinejad - …thees long speech I not understand everything…

Cohen – I guess I’m saying that your revolution is much the same…you have already killed quite a lot of innocent people in your own country in the name of Islamic mercy…and it looks as if you want to expand your revolution elsewhere…and your Islamic revolution has tried to deliberately brainwash a whole new generation of Iranian youth…I would say that your revolution hasn’t done the man in the street much good…I think your revolution is a bit stuffed…actually…
(there is loud and hurried discussion taking place at the back of the room…and this is Cohen’s second mistake…his final mistake…as he has forgotten or not realized that the men in grey suits and grey beards understand perfect English and he has insulted their leader by calling him a ‘nutter’ …and they move towards him rather quickly..)

Ahmadinejad – We will now show you Islamic mercy too Cohen…(Amadinejad’s English has improved)…we will check your journalistic credentials and papers…we are good at this…meanwhile we have special first class guest accommodation for you…(Cohen is led from the room)


                      
                                                    .........................





Unfortunately there has been no sign of Cohen for several weeks now. It is believed he is being held in the notorious Evin prison in Teheran. There are reports that he has been tortured. Efforts are underway to have him released. So far the charges ranged against him include – espionage, forged documents, forged credentials and blasphemy.
As there is no sign of our intrepid journalist it has been decide to release a dialogue he recorded quite a few years ago while posing as a waiter.


DINNER CONVERSATION AT THE CAIRO SUMMIT

The following conversation was recorded 'verbatim' by our intrepid correspondent S H Cohen who with great fortitude and cunning managed to disguise himself as a waiter for the great feast in Cairo. In the interests of history, he has managed to reproduce this notable discussion where surprisingly, Mr. Arafat, appears to have been deliberately left out of most of the conversation. Arafat was never a popular man with other world leaders. Yitzak Rabin and Yasser Arafat are now deceased as is the then King Hussein of Jordan. Hosni Mubarak is still President of Egypt and Shimon Peres is President of Israel though the latter role is more honorary than the former. The Israel PM of the day, Yitzak Rabin was known for his nervous disposition. Arafat often seemed to have trouble about his title.




Yitzak - 'Shimon....... could you please ask Hosni to ask Arafat to pass down the choumus'.

Shimon - 'Sorry ?'

Yitzak - 'I want some choumus. Get Hosni to ask Arafat to pass it down the table.'

Shimon 'I ......... eh .............!

Yitzak - 'DO IT.................'

Shimon - 'Hosni....... eh ....... I was wondering ....... could you ask Yasser to pass
down the chumous............'

Hosni - 'What...........'

Shimon - 'The chumous....... we ......... eh.......... need it down here'. Ask Yasser
to pass it down'.

Hosni - 'Try some of these Lamoun Makbouss....... they are really something .....'

King Hussein - 'I'll try some....... I've been trying to get a good chef in Amman to do
Lamoun Makbouss but it’s a lost cause. My man at the palace though does
some pretty good Torshi Betingan... Shimon ...... the next time you're
over you must try some'.

Yitzak - 'What in God's name are they talking about.............

Shimon - 'Pickled lemons...... I think............'

Yitzak - 'What about my chumous..........'

Hosni - 'Have any of you gentlemen had any Koftit Ferakh lately.......'

Yitzak - 'What ......?

Yasser - 'Yup ........ my wife makes it all the......

King Hussein - …'Kofta MeshweyaI is my all time favourite.......'

Hosni - 'Melokhia ......hmm .... now that's a dish I can't get enough of.......

Yitzak - 'Shimon ... You remember our new low key trade office in Oman.........

Shimon - 'Yes ...... I was thinking that perhaps ............'

Yitzak - 'We're looking for a good person to organize the COFFEE ....once the office
is set up..... and ....... IF YOU DON'T GET HOSNI TO ASK
WHATHISNAME TO PASS DOWN THE CHOUMUS ....... YOU'RE
THAT PERSON........ GOT IT'

Shimon - 'Hosni..... eh ..... old man......... could I please ask you to ask our good
chum Yasser to pass down the Choumus................'

Hosni - 'A good Malih bi-Laban is always welcome.......'

King Hussein - 'Yes .....indeed...... One of my all time favourites.......'

Yitzak - 'What.........?'

Yasser - 'My chef does a fine...........'

Hosni - 'Shimon .......... Try some of this Megadarra...... '

Yitzak - 'CHOUMUS ........I want some CHOUMUS...........'

King Hussein - Armenian Kofta is a good standby ............'

Hosni - 'Had some of that last week......'

Yitzak - 'PERES ..... MY PATIENCE IS WEARING THIN ...... GET ME THE
CHOUMUS'

Shimon - 'Hosni .......eh....could you perhaps ask......'

Hosni - 'Kibbeh ....... absolutely wonderful food....... couldn't get it on the menu
tonight but my mother used to always serve it up on a Friday......'

King Hussein - 'A great dish. Dfeena is also a fine dish...'

Yasser - 'I always...........'

Hosni - 'Dfeena is alright...... though I prefer Daoud Pasha......'

King Hussein - 'Yes........also..... very good....'

Hosni - 'O.K.......Superb meal...... Right....... Let's have some black coffee and
some Basbousa bil Loz'

King Hussein - 'Great idea.....'

Yitzak - 'What about my choumus?'

Shimon - 'Maybe..... later...... I can try to organize.........'

Yitzak - 'Shutup.......'

Shimon - 'Yitzak .......I'm truly sorry ... perhaps.....'

Yitzak - 'SHUTUP......'

King Hussein - 'Ah ..... Here's the coffee and Basbousa..... Yitzak ...... It may be a good
moment now to ask to ask the Chairman.....eh..... I mean the
President..... down there .... ah...what he is going to do about the...... ah
..... fundamentalists in Gaza ........'

Hosni - ' Burp.....'

Shimon - 'Burp....'

The King - Burp.....'

Yasser - BURP.....'

Yitzak - 'It would seem to me that our good friend has just pronounced on that matter...............'

                                 .....................

Cohen has returned. It is still a mystery how he managed to get out of Evin Prison. The word is that he was busted out by a highly trained team representing several different countries. He has definitely been tortured. The reader should be warned that Cohen is not his normal self. He has obviously been maltreated. But his usual stoic attitude is still there. This is in fact the last interview he did.




Osama bin Laden – I did not think I will see you again…

Cohen – (just nods)…………………


Osama bin Laden - I told you he was nutter…Amadinejad is…how you explain to me…he is brainwashed….

Cohen – (nods once more)….

Osama bin Laden – They have ripped out you tongue… Cohen….

Cohen – (nods)……………….

Osama bin Laden – Israel is…how you say……stuffed....

Cohen – (nods)………………

Osama bin Laden - …whole world taken in…you see…I tell you
Cohen…public relations… market research…we win using your ideas….

Cohen – (nods again…he does not seem comfortable physically…seems to be in pain)

Osama bin Laden – they give Muslims back land…ha…we Muslim already have big areas of planet…Jews have tiny little area only…
Cohen – (nods)
Osama bin Laden – West Bank was occupied by Jordan since after British leave…before that have silly corrupt Ottoman control…when Jordan occupy West Bank…no one shouting for Palestinian state…when Egypt occupy Gaza Strip…no Palestinian country offered…Egyptians treated Palestinians in Gaza like…how say…mutters something in Arabic…(translation comes from the back of the space)…shyte…is this right word…
Cohen - ….(nods) ……shyte ….
Osama bin Laden – Ahhh…you do speak….very good Cohen…if you are clever like I think you bring wheesky this time….
Cohen – (nods…and takes out a bottle and puts it on the small wooden table in front of him)


Osama bin Laden - …………………….what is this….
Cohen - (coughs) ……this is Polish vodka…good quality Polish vodka…the best…
Osama bin Laden – You want that we attack Poland…. Cohen….
Cohen – (shakes his head)
Osama bin Laden – We drink…… (pours two glasses)……. I not try thees Polish vodka before…what we drink to…
Cohen – (shrugs…he is obviously in pain)
Osama bin Laden – What they do to you Cohen…I not propose toast to Amadinejad…he is nutter…I tell you Cohen but you not listen…he tell you about 12th Madhi…he believe all that…he is true nutter what we drink to…
Cohen – (shrugs)
Osama bin Laden – What about drink to Islamic mercy…
Cohen – (shakes his head)


Osama bin Laden – You are difficult today Cohen….what they do to you…they use electric shock to your nuts….
Cohen – (shrugs)
Osama bin Laden – We drink to God…your God and my God…Christians God too…how about…good toast…you like toast Cohen…no…
Cohen – (Cohen nods…and both men raise their glasses and down the contents)
Osama bin Laden – I like thees vodka…Cohen…you make good choice…(he pours another 2 shots)……what we drink to now…maybe…last days of Israel…or maybe to caliphate in Middle East…new one…good toast eh…
Cohen (shakes his head)
Osama bin Laden – …not like again Cohen…what about toast to end of suicide bombers…very good toast…
Cohen – (nods…both men raise their glasses and knock them back)
Osama bin Laden – (mutters something in Arabic and two men who were standing at the back each come forward with a glass and sit down…bin Laden pours them both a shot…one for himself and one for Cohen) ……these my students…I teach them holy war…they never drink alcohol before…this new experience for them…but be good…teach them…maybe I send them to Western country some day…they do anything I say…..how about toast to better treatment of women in Islamist circles…how you say…equal rights…my English getting good…eh…I study…I always study…is good toast…Cohen…you know this…a toast to equal rights for women in Islam…
Cohen – (Cohen nods…… and raises his glass…bin Laden raises his glass too…and mutters something to his two friends…they both raise their glasses and they all down their drinks…one of bin Laden friend’s burps............).
Osama bin Laden - …you pale Cohen…look very pale…we do one more toast….(bin Laden charges the four glasses…his two friends eagerly hold out their glasses for the recharge)…how many bottles you bring…Cohen…they like it….


Cohen (holds up one finger)
Osama bin Laden - …what we drink to now…Cohen…(he burps…his two friends laugh…bin Laden mutters something and they stop laughing and go very quiet)……how about drink to free elections in all Muslim countries…you see Cohen…I change eh…you not believe…ees true…I different man…maybe you help…we drink…pity you bring only one bottle…toast to free elections in Muslim countries…( he raises his glass)
Cohen – (nods…and raises his glass……all drain their glasses and slam them on the table…one of bin Laden’s friends begins to giggle…bin Laden slams his hand hard on the wooden table and the man goes quiet again)…………every one else is to blame for the problems of the Arab countries..they themselves take no blame whatsoever for their circumstances…
Osama bin Laden – You find tongue again Cohen…I thought Amadinejad had cut most of it in…(one of bin Laden’s friends mutters something in Arabic…) I mean …out..Engleesh prepositions are difficult…but I feel good Cohen…what is shortest book in world…
Cohen – (shakes his head)
Osama bin Laden…….history of Arab leadership in the 20th century…ha ha…ees clever Cohen…(mutters something to his two friends)…you know Hama…Cohen…


Cohen – (nods)
Osama bin Laden - ……….uncle of present leader of Syria takes Syrian Army to Hama in 1982…they slaughter 40,000 men, women and children…you know this Cohen……
Cohen – (nods)
Osama bin Laden - ….what about Saddie Hussein…how many he kill…a million maybe…kills many of his own people…invades Kuwait…invades Iran…maybe a million dead because of this one man…whole Arab world like this…you know I stand against corruption in Arab world…
Cohen – …….pour another round of toasts bin Laden….you are making more sense today…
Osama bin Laden – (mutters something to his two friends and they get unsteadily to their feet and move away)….not used to drink…thees Polish Vodka is strong…I like…also more for us now….(he pours two more shots)…what we drink now Cohen…I like when you talk a beet…
Cohen – ……a toast to no more corruption in Arab countries…….
Osama bin Laden – (begins to laugh and starts to choke and cough…finally he manages to speak)…you make me laugh Cohen…thees very funny toast…you know in my country…in Saudi Arabia…the princes have billion dollar palaces…and lots of princes…Saudi ruling class like to have many wives…Arab countries run like family businesses…you know how many dead in Lebanon…I not mean Israelees…they kill too I know…I mean Syrians…PLO…and Lebanese Christians…they kill each other big time…many massacres…you heard of Damour....Cohen……
Cohen – (nods)
Osama bin Laden – PLO also corrupt…how many they massacre in Damour…what we drink to Cohen
Cohen – I feel better…the vodka has helped…I propose a toast to a more moderate and tolerant Islam…
Osama bin Laden - ….a more realistic Islam…(burps)……
Cohen - ……more humane…caring of all human life on the planet…
Osama bin Laden - ….you are philosophical now Cohen…I like this… perhaps treatment from Ahmadinejad help you…
Cohen - ……..this is the last glass bin Laden…last toast (raises his glass) ……to a more humane Islam….(both men knock back their glasses)
Osama bin Laden – Now Cohen…(burps and coughs)…I have bad news…my fighting men think you talk to CIA…
Cohen – Nonsense….
Osama bin Laden - ……maybe nonsense…may be not …I cannot take chance…I like you Cohen…you clever man…will miss you and miss booze too…difficult to get sometimes…you bring good booze…beeg pity…we cannot let you go…and cannot let you stay with us here….(claps his hands and his two bearded friends arrive carrying Kalashnikovs…they look to be enjoying themselves immensely)….so you get chop….
Cohen – Sorry……
Osama bin Laden - …chop…this your word for it…the chop…I think this right….you get chop…my men cut your head off…they like doing this…especially to journalists…
Cohen – If you are going to kill me bin Laden….a single bullet to the head will do…
Osama bin Laden – (mutters something to the two armed men…discussion takes place…)….no…my men not accept this…they want to do chop…
Cohen - …morons…(the two men haul him to his feet)……can I ask one more question…
Osama bin Laden – (nods…and the men release Cohen back into his chair)
Cohen - …what changed you bin Laden…I can see you are still a bastard…from what you want these two animals to do to me…but you seemed to have mellowed a bit… (Cohen explains to bin Laden what ‘mellowed’ means)
Osama bin Laden – I tell you thees…no one else…you are going to die anyway…you can tell no one……………I have another veesion….
Cohen - ……..sorry….
Osama bin Laden – I have veesion (he points above)….God tell me things…I know future…what is happen…I know…he tell me…and I must change…
Cohen – what is going to happen…what was your vision…
Osama bin Laden - …how you say…aliens…they come down…they land….
Cohen - …sorry……
Osama bin Laden…I tell you Cohen…aliens come down in beeg spaceship…they are Muslim aliens…and they want me…
Cohen - ….JEEESSSUS…
Osama bin Laden - ……veesion not lie Cohen…thees truth be known…they ask me to help them bring new caliphate to all world…but ees more…
Cohen - …pity I only brought one bottle…
Osama bin Laden - ……what you say Cohen….you think I make up…(shouts) NO…I not make up…thees aliens also have beautiful women with beeg…no…I not say…but they have with them very beautiful womens…they want mate me Cohen…I be father of new race…they choose me…I will be Dad of new Muslim race....
Cohen - …does this all come from the same source as the 73 virgins for suicide bombers…
Osama bin Laden – ees 54 virgins….but yes… same source…ees veesion…I tell you I know….now you get chop….

Cohen - ……bin Laden…listen to me… Muslims are fighting all over the place…they are fighting Christians in Nigeria...Buddhists in Thailand…they fight each other in Gaza and the West Bank…they are fighting Christians in the Philippines…they are fighting Jews in the Holy Land….in recent times they slaughtered each other in the Iran-Iraq war…and in Kuwait…they are slaughtering each other now in Iraq and Kurdistan…they are killing each other in Somalia…in Pakistan…in Afghanistan…in India there has been violence between Muslims and Hindus…they have been blowing each other up in Indonesia…and they have blown up innocents in London…in Spain…in Bali…in New York……in Pakistan…what is the point of all this violence….what is the longest river in the world bin Laden………………..

Osama bin Laden - …the Nile….

Cohen - …..maybe they are all in denial…they always blame other parties for their problems…it’s always some else’s fault…

Osama bin Laden - ….Enough….take him… (stands up and mutters something in Arabic)….goodbye Cohen….I will mees you...

Cohen…..your fighters are not men…bin Laden…they take their war to women and children….they slaughter innocents for your Allah…they are cowards…

Osama bin Laden – Take him away NOW…chop heem……

Cohen - ………you bastard bin Laden….will there be virgins waiting for me…

Osama bin Laden - ….no Cohen….you are infidel…
(Cohen is taken away by the two armed men. He does not say another word)




……………………………….


Two old interviews

Undertaken by Cohen quite a few years back they are both still of great historical importance. The first is an interview with Yasser Arafat when he was about to return to the Holy Land after the Oslo Accords but it was unclear if he would take up residence in Gaza or the West Bank. (He finally chose Ramallah). At the time Arafat’s title was unclear and there was some nervousness among journalists about interviewing him as his men had been somewhat heavy handed when it came to the press. The corruption around Arafat was legendary and some believed that Arafat had some pretensions of grandeur and the interview would seem to add credence to this view.


                                    
                                       AN INTERVIEW WITH THE MAN



Cohen -   It is most gracious and kind of you to allow me to interview you. I  know that you are an terribly busy man and your time is extremely  precious and that ......................

THE MAN -   You have a minute and a quarter

Cohen -  Yes ..... Good .... a minute and a quarter... eh ..... that's fine. Now Mr Arafat if I can just ......................

THE MAN -   No

Cohen -  No.....................?

THE MAN -  No ............. NOT Mr. Arafat.........

Cohen -  I'm sorry ... a thousand apologies...... I meant Chairman....... Chairman Arafat........... Now if I can ................

THE MAN -   No

Cohen -   No ? ...... not Chairman ....... I'm sorry........ I didn't ...........

THE MAN -   President ........

Cohen - President Arafat ..... Yes.... Yes .... I'm sorry........ terribly  sorry......... How could I have.........

THE MAN - You have half a minute left.......

Cohen -  Right .......eh ........ Now........ if I can just ask you how you see the   present negotiations proceeding... eh ... President.........

THE MAN - Maybe not .........

Cohen -  Eh.......Maybe not ...... I see..... I see .... Perhaps you believe that                   little progress is being achieved and the new Russian initiative will           have direct  bearing on the............

THE MAN -  Maybe not .........................................President

Cohen - Maybe not ...... President........  I'm not  with.... eh.... I'm not                   really.....

THE MAN -  The English Queen has invited me over .......

Cohen -  You mean ....... Good Grief ...... I cannot ....... You mean...... SIR  YASSER  ARAFAT........ I am truly............

THE MAN -   No

Cohen -  No.............?

THE MAN -  No

Cohen -  Not....Sir Yasser Arafat ...........?

THE MAN -  Baron…

Cohen -  Jesuusssss Christ !!! .......  Baron Arafat....... This is fantastic ...... I  never knew .... I........ I....... Jesuussssssss .............

THE MAN -  You have 15 seconds

Cohen -  Right .... Right ... Now if I can just ask your Excellency ....... I mean                         Baron..... Baron Arafat ......If I can just ask when you will be taking  up residence in Jericho and when will .....

THE MAN -  No

Cohen -   No?

THE MAN  -  NO - NOT Jericho........

Cohen -  Not Jericho ... I see .... I see .... your Highness has decided to be  bold and  live in Gaza and perhaps  ................

THE MAN -  No

Cohen -  Not Gaza eh .........

THE MAN -  No

Cohen -  Well ....... If I may be so brave as to ask where ..........

THE MAN - Scotland....................

Cohen -  Jessusssss .......... Scotland........ You mean.......

THE MAN -  Yes ................. A Castle

Cohen - You've bought a Scottish castle......... I don't believe .......

THE MAN - An estate in the Highlands......

Cohen - No stone throwing eh .......... No I didn't mean that..... Just a little  joke your Majesty......... Ha ......Ha................ No....... Really ..... I didn't mean that.......

THE MAN -  Two seconds

Cohen -  Right ..... well ....... If I can just ......

THE MAN -  No.......

Cohen - No?

THE MAN - No............ Time for tea

Cohen -  Mint tea with sugar..............?

THE MAN - No

Cohen - No....................?

THE MAN - Liptons with shortbread and a small glass of Scotch.

Cohen - Ya'allah……

                   
The second interview goes back quite a few years when Netanyahu, David Levy, Ariel Sharon and an unnamed Rabbi,were trying to work together to bring about an effective strategy for the Gaza Strip. In those days there were still Jewish settlers in the Gaza and there were problems protecting them. The Arab population took a liking to stone throwing. It is a historical fact that they were reported sightings of crocodiles and piranhas in Northern Israel in the early 1990’s. The interview shows the very real difficulties in dealing with the ancient port of Gaza.


                  

                THE LIKUD'S NEW 'DE-FENCE' POLICY IN GAZA


Cohen  -  'Thank you very much for your time Mr. Netanyahu. I know you're a busy man............'

Cohen  -  'Call me Bibi..............'

Cohen  -  'Well ......eh....... O.K............. Now if I may...................'

Bibi -  'How's the family.............?

Cohen  -  'Sorry.........?'

Bibi  -  'The family........how's the family ........?

Cohen  -  'Yes..... eh..... very well........... thank you....eh.....now if I could just ask you a few brief questions?'

Bibi  -  'Shoot'

Cohen   -  'O.K.....thank you ....now........I believe the Likud has a new party  platform on terrorism in Gaza'.

Bibi  -   'Yes.......It's just out......we're very happy with it'.

Cohen  -  'I believe you would want to erect a barbed wire fence around Gaza'.

Bibi  -  'An electrified barbed wire fence.'

Cohen  -  'And do you think this will work....................?'

Bibi  -  'Well the moat should do the trick.'

Cohen  -  'Moat................. !'

Bibi  -  'Yup .......with the piranhas in it.......'

Cohen  -  'Good grief .........PIRANHAS'

Bibi  -  'Yup'

Cohen  -  'You mean the fish that were in the Kinneret?'

Bibi  -  'Yup.......In fact I can tell you now that was no accident. The Likud Special Ops. Group were behind that.......'

Cohen  -  'Special Ops. Group .........................?'

Bibi  -  'Yup ...........David Levy heads the group. We are not really enemies you             know....that's only for the media .....ha...ha.......He had his people put the       piranhas in the lake to test out the procedure'.

Cohen  -  'My God...... I can't believe this.....this is incredible........ Do you    
                           think it will   work..........'?

Bibi  -  ' Have you seen anyone swimming in the Kinneret lately?'

Cohen  -  'Good grief........Extraordinary.......................'

Bibi  -  'Of course we won't just be relying on the fence and the Piranhas around      Gaza....'

Cohen  -  'Something else.....................'

Bibi  -  'Crocodiles............'

Cohen  -  'God in heaven......you're not serious..........CROCODILES !'

Bibi  -  'Yup'

Cohen  -  'I don't suppose...............

Bibi  -  'The crocodile scare in the Kinneret..........?

Cohen  -  'You don't mean to say .............

Bibi  -  ' Yup......our Special Ops. Group again. Ariel Sharon was in on that one'.

Cohen  -  'My God........This is unbelievable.........'

Bibi  -  'Our research has indicated a dramatic drop in anyone going  anywhere near            the Kinneret over the past year'.

Cohen  -  'Astounding..............'

Bibi  -  'Of course the balloons will also contribute.........'

Cohen  -  'Balloons....!'

Bibi  -  'Yup.....like London during the Second World War blitz...... With our new    policy             .........nothing will be able to go through, under or over the fence        around Gaza'.

Cohen  -  'Will the ....eh..... Palestinian Authority supply policemen for the                           gates?'

Bibi  -  'What gates'

Cohen  -  'You mean there will be no entrances or exits..............'

Bibi -  'None'

Cohen  -  'Well how will the Jewish settlers in Gaza get
                        in and out ..........?

Bibi  -  'Zikorsky helicopters........'

Cohen  -  'But we haven't got any Zikorsky helicopter here in Israel........'

Bibi  -  'Bill will help with that........'

Cohen  -  'You mean the White House......?'

Bibi  -  'I can say no more......'

  -  'Incredible.......................'

Bibi  -  'Yup'

Cohen -  'One last question........if I may.....'

Bibi  -  'Shoot......'

Cohen  -  'How long did it take you to formulate this policy and will it be long
                       
 term.....?'

Bibi   -  'That's two questions........'

Cohen  -  'Eh.....I'm sorry....

Bibi  -  'No problem.......I put together the whole policy one night last week over a     few cups of black coffee.........'

Cohen  - And its long term viability.........?'

Bibi  -  'That will depend on.......well........all I can say is that tonight I am talking
            to Rabbi.........No......Perhaps I should mention no names. Let me say this             though.......Piranha and crocodile meat will soon officially be declared        kosher.....'

Cohen  -  'Incredible.............................................'

Bibi  -  'Yup.'

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